Love is Hell, War Is Something More Like Purgatory
by LittleDragon
Summary: Duo's self-help guide to finding the perfect woman using the Shinigami Unlimited System.
1. Love is Hell. War is Something More Like...

  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. Don't sue me, 'k?  
  
Author's Note: The title of this stor is actually "Love is Hell, War Is Something More Like Purgatory: Duo's Guide To Finding The Perfect Woman." Unfortunately, the title was too long to be entered in fanfiction.net so I shortened it. This is Duo's first self-help book. As in, he's the author and it's from his point of view. And girls, please don't be mad at me! I'm not beating up on girls or anything. I just wrote about love from the eyes of a normal everyday man. So, enjoy!   
  
INTRODUCTION  
  
Have you ever thought about life? Not like that! I mean, REALLY think about it. Putting your mind in high gear so long that your brain feels like so much goo shifting in a jelly-like mass inside your head. I've been doing that lately.   
I know that some of you skeptics out there are wondering, 'Duo? Thinking? What is this world coming to?'. Well, I guess the world must be going to the dogs, 'cause Shinigami's using his brain.   
So, anyway, I was thinking and I came to the most logical conclusion I've ever come to in my entire life. Here it is: "Love is Hell. War is something more like Purgatory."   
You heard me right. Love is Hell. Any halfway decent looking guy knows that. The girls, the screaming, the phone calls, and the Valentine's day schmuck are enough to drive a man to celebacy. All the women out there listening to this-willingly or unwillingly-are probably rolling their eyes and asking their man to take them out to dinner, just to prove that men don't think this way. You're fooling yourselves, ladies. 'Cause you may not know it, but deep down inside, no matter how meek and obedient your men seem, they all think the same thing. There's no avoiding it.  
Now, granted not all you men out there have first-hand experience of war to compare with. Take it from one who knows, war is NOTHING compared to the trials of everday life with a woman.  
  



	2. The Devil Woman From Hell

Chapter 1: The Devil Woman From Hell.  
  
Sometimes it isn't so much that love itself is Hell, it's the girl you fell in love with that makes it so. I have a friend that is in exactly this situation. Poor guy. He fell in love with one of the MOST ANNOYING women in the world. I won't mention any names, but I'll call the girl "Pacifist Princess of the Cinq Kingdom" and I'll call my friend "The Perfect Soldier Bob". Pacifist Princess is always following Soldier Bob around. That's all it is every day for him. "Soldier Bob! Save me!" Or, "Soldier Bob! Come kill me now!" Always yelling his name off of cliffs, planes, and anywhere else with altitude. But the man loves her. So, what can he do? Does he have any options? Yes! Of course he has options! He has plenty of options, but I believe he deals with his emotions quite well the way he does. With a girl like that, the only thing TO do is to threaten to kill her.   
With the right woman, you could find that love really ISN'T Hell. But come on. Face it. How many of you out there are ever going to find the "right woman"? Have you thought about it? Have you looked that question straight in the eye and then spat in its face? If you haven't done that yet, you need to. 'Cause you can't begin to fix the problem before you've identified it, now can you?   
I'll begin to introduce the many types of women you'll meet in the last chapter of this book on tape. Take time to analyze the list well. You'll need it, not only for the test at the end of this book on tape, but also for your everyday lovelife.  
  



	3. The Devil Woman From Hell (continued)

*Author's Note*: Yeah, so I've brought this one back. I think it's hillarious, and I don't know why I never finished it. But now it's being worked on once again. Hope y'all enjoy the next additions.  
  
Okay, so your relationship hasn't quite gone to the extreme of that last one, yet. There are other, more common cases that we could look into. Say, for example, another one of my buddies--once again to keep his identity secret we'll call this one by a code name, let's say, Mr. No Name--has girls problems, but his situation is a little bit different from that of "The Perfect Soldier Bob's". The girl in Mr. No Name's life is a little possessive.   
Guys, you know what I'm talking about. Everyone's met one of those people. Kinda quiet, so sensitive that they break down in tears if you look at them wrong, and usually pretty insecure. And the thing that puts the icing on the cake is that little characteristic possessiveness. Yes, that habit of taking something, claiming it as theirs, and then eating anyone who dares come near for a between-meal's snack. Hey, I know from experience! I was over at his, um, tent one day and I was going to ask him how things were going. Suddenly, here she comes. Running out of the tent comes this woman--we'll call her "Blindfolded Knife Woman"--and she practically mauls me, right there in public, but of course, what else can you expect from a case like Blindfolded Knife Woman's? She really deserves our pity, rather than our rebukes.   
How does Mr. No Name deal with this kind of pressure every single day? Being the original kind of guy he is, he has his own unique way of taking care of the stress that this relationship puts on him. One way is to hide it. Mr. No Name does this very well with a half mask. Also, he works at a circus as a clown. Therefore, by denying that he has these kind of problems and becoming something as carefree and funny, such as a clown, he keeps his sanity and makes a pretty good living at the same time. Then there's running away. 'Course, this solution didn't really work for Mr. No Name, but it was worth a try. Remember, running away from your problems may not solve them, but you'll get away temporarily.   
Now, admit it. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it. If there's someone like this in your life you need to come to grips with the situation and deal with it. Or you could let it go and watch your list of friends get shorter and shorter, each either dissappearing into thin air or dying some strange and inexplicible death. 


	4. The Devil Woman From Hell (Still Going)

Alright. So you don't have any problems with the possessiveness thing? How many people do? Not as many as this next case.   
This is a classic case of "love to the point of over devotion and in worst-case scenarios, such as this one, it can lead to side effects like split personalities, identity crisis, and perhaps even a severe case of coma. Of course, that's only in a severe case. You won't see those too often. You're in luck, though. I just happen to have experienced a case such as this one, or at least I know somebody who has.  
Before we go into examples, I'd like to take a few seconds to tell you about it. The things you are going to be hearing in the next few minutes are actual testimony from people who have gone through, or watched a friend go through this. Some of the things said could and will be disturbing. If you don't like it, tough cookies. This is the way life really is and if you can't take it, cover your ears with a pillow. Any attempt to fast forward and this tape will self-destruct, not only destroying itself and throwing $27 of your money down the hole but also causing more than a few 3rd degree burns and charring the room a bit. I'm sorry I had to do that, but it's for your own good. To truly comprehend the immensity of this case, you must hear the whole story.  
RANDOM ANNOUNCER: What you are about to hear is real-life testimony from people who have undergone this kind of stress in their life. These are not actors, their names have been carefully coded so as not to reveal their true identity. To follow along, read pages 12-24 in the accompanying manual.  
  
PRETTY BLONDE PRINCE OF CINQ: Oh yeah, I was friends with Tr-- er, the "Rose Toting, Cognac Guzzling, Casanova of OZ". **INAUDIBLE** Where the hell did you get that name?  
  
EMOTIONAL YET CLEAR-MINDED AMBASSADOR: The "Rose Toting *sniff*, Cognac Guzzling, Casanova of OZ" was the greatest man who ever graced this planet with his presence.   
  
ROSE TOTING, COGNAC GUZZLING, CASANOVA OF OZ: It was, not the best thing that ever happened to me, that's for sure.  
  
PRINCESS LEIA-LIKE HAIRED COLONEL: He was the best commander and general there ever was. I would be willing to die for his cause.  
  
PRETTY BLONDE PRINCE OF CINQ: He got all tense when she was around. Rose Toting, Cognac Guzzling, Casanova of OZ is a pretty calm type guy. Not many other people would notice it, but being his friend, I did.  
  
ROSE TOTING, COGNAC GUZZLING, CASANOVA OF OZ: Yeah, it was a pretty stressful time in my life. I honestly don't know how I dealt with it as well as I did. Every time I wanted to do something she was there to do it for me. I've never met such a fanatic before in my entire life.  
  
EMOTIONAL YET CLEAR-MINDED AMBASSADOR: I-I didn't mean to. Honestly. He just....I really loved him I did!   
  
PRETTY BLONDE PRINCE OF CINQ: I think it's kind of sad, all the things he went through. And it was really awful to see the changes that it caused in him.  
  
ROSE TOTING, COGNAC GUZZLING, CASANOVA OF OZ: **emotional breakdown** It's just so overpowering. I-I don't really know what to do.....  
  
This testimony was taken just hours before the controversial death of the infamous leader of OZ. Strange how the emotional breakdown coincided with the unusual death of this charismatic leader. Coincidence? I think not. The Rose Toting, Cognac Guzzling, Casanova of OZ became yet another victim of love gone terribly wrong. And tell me honestly, now a days what are the chances of love going right?   
What can you do if you have stumbled upon one of these relationships? Well, there are several ways. For a while the Rose Toting, Cognac Guzzling, Casanova of OZ tried what we here at Shinigami Creations like to call the "Yaoi Approach". To do this all you must do is convince the offending woman, such as Emotional Yet Clear-Minded Ambassador. It didn't work for this man, but you could try it. But as always, the self-destruct option is always available for a way out. 


End file.
